Before I get started,
I know what you’re thinking.
That a blog about love is going to be all about Levi, marriage and romance.
And I guess it sort of is,
But I don’t think in the way you’re thinking.
Because it’s also about the realization that hit me in the face as I came to see,
What I didn’t know about love.
This blog has taken me months to write.
Since June actually.
And not just because that was when we got engaged,
But because through meeting Levi, I’ve learned more about how much I actually don’t know about love.
And mostly all that I thought love was but isn’t.
That love is far from someone just pursuing me,
And lavishing affection/ romance on me.
That love is way more beautiful than gifts being gave,
Or something given just from a spouse.
That love is greater than just receiving love from another,
But stepping out to love unconditionally too.
Live calls us to love even on days when I’d rather be alone,
Or I’d rather not.
It calls us to stay and work through something when the going gets tough.
To remain faithful even when we feel we really ‘know’ what’s best for us.
Love demands us to look at the truth and our commitments,
Even when we want to believe the lies or what our culture has showed us okay.
Love is hard,
And I grieve with those whose marriages fell apart.
For those who looked for love else where because they weren’t receiving it in their marriages,
And for those who loved ones walk out on.
My heart breaks for those who lived or still live in an abusive relationship,
Where love is far from what they ever dreamed of.
And in no way am I saying to stay in something that is not okay,
If you are in an abusive relationship – that is not okay and may you not live in fear but step out to ask for help.
Love is something which I am just scratching the surface on understanding,
And in our broken world,
Sometimes confused by.
Or not understanding where our Father is when the opposite of love is happening.
Love for me is a lesson I’m continually learning,
Being humbled and stretched by.
Because love is beyond our comprehension.
I mean it’s beyond our comprehension because Gods love is so vast,
It is selfless,
It is patient,
It is steadfast even when those who should be receiving it aren’t,
And from our Father, it is freely given.
Given to people who stomp on it and throw it away.
And that’s why most of the time I don’t understand it,
Or can wrap my mind around it.
Because our Fathers love blows me away and undoes me,
As I am selfish,
And through being married am continually humbled when I see how far off of being a loving person I really am,
And now much more I need Jesus because of it.
For I can’t do it on my own,
And to live,
I need Jesus.
And through all these thoughts of love,
I’ve realized how far we have strayed from the truth about love.
Thinking we understand it but really only have a vague notion of it’s depth,
And that it is far from just a feeling,
Or a romantic gesture.
For the truth about love,
Is it isn’t a feeling,
It isn’t just romance,
It is based on our Fathers heart for us.
God is love.. (1 John 4:8)
And in that we cannot have love apart from where all love steams from,
And when I read that a handful of years ago,
That was where the wheels started turning about what love truly is.
I started to press in to know what the reality of this thing which we throw around so easily,
Or tend to seek in all the wrong places.
For we all have a yearning within us for love,
To be loved and to give love.
And when we begin to seek our value and worth from the acceptance of others,
Rather than being found in the Author and Creator of the World,
We begin to lose ourselves a bit.
For what I learned through Levi,
Is to love him well and even receive his love well,
I need to be rooted in our Fathers love.
Or I become disappointed,
And full of anxiety.
Because apart from God, Levi’s love is not enough.
And that isn’t a bad thing,
It’s actually a beautiful truth that sets us free.
For it free’s us from trying to find fulfillment in another person,
Or even in what we do,
Or who we are.
And so you see,
There is a lot I didn’t know about love,
And a big one is that it costs us a lot.
And no just money,
But costs us our time.
Costs us ourselves.
For to love with true love,
We need to be yielded to the Lord.
We need to get over our selves to love unconditionally,
For love is far from just receiving what we want from someone else.
But takes us fighting for romance,
Fighting to understand the other person,
To learn how we can love them how they feel loved,
To keep talking even when we’re tired and want to sleep.
It’s doing something sweet even when we feel unloved.
Love demands that we no longer just look to our own interests and needs but to others.
Love calls us to step past ourselves and to aim to please the Lord in all we do even when we’d rather not.
Love costs us to stay faithful even when we’d rather run to something new and exciting,
Love calls us to remain rooted in the truth rather than run to quick fixes.
It calls us to press in to learn how to love our spouse, friend and God with more abandon.
It asks that we seek first His Kingdom and righteousness,
Realizing that only our Father’s love can sustain us,
Can meet us in the deepest broken parts of our hearts and heal us.
For we as humans are full of flaws,
We forget to do things,
We are sometimes (most of the time) selfish,
We make mistakes,
And in that we fail at loving one another with the love we desperately need.
And before I saw the love of our Savior,
I was looking for love, affection, value in all the wrong places.
And even when meeting Levi,
I was humbled by all I didn’t know about love.
That love is a choice,
And is far from just a lustful feeling of wanting him,
But a love that desires to work through things,
To realize that marriage isn’t just about making myself happy.
But at refining, sharpening and growing one another so that one day,
We might be able to stand before our King well.
For love isn’t just about what we get out of it,
It is walking through each moment of the day with our eyes fixed on the Lord.
And interestingly enough,
To love others well,
It comes back to us loving ourselves.
For how we love ourselves will determine how well we love others and receive their love.
Now to even begin to try to write down all these thoughts in my head that I’ve been learning about, would become a short novel,
And I know we all don’t have time for that,
So I’ll keep trying to make it short, sweet and to the point.
For although I love Levi,
Through loving him,
I’ve been brought to a greater realization of how much more I need to love the Lord.
Not even just how much more I need to love Him,
But how much He loves me and how I need to live rooted in that.
For it’s not Levi who brings me fulfillment or gives me life,
It’s not him who redeems my soul
Or formed me from His image.
For if we get caught up on someone being the one who will heal us,
Who will cure our loneliness,
Who will meet all of our needs,
We are very mistaken.
For a person cannot fill the great need we have to be loved,
Only the God of the universe,
The Creator of all things.
The One who created wild horses,
Who formed the most beautiful landscapes,
Who creates beauty in the sunrises and sunsets,
He is the One whom our soul hungers for and longs to love.
For anyone aside from Him will leave us disappointed and hurt.
And through being rooted in His love,
We can weather the storms with those we love,
For we won’t be shattered by lack of acceptance or disappointment.
Not because they mean to hurt us or they go out of their way to do so,
But because we are human and full of flaws.
And we also hurt them back,
We all make mistakes and can never be perfect.
For when I look at Levi,
I am reminded that he actually doesn’t need me,
He needs Christ in me.
He needs me to point him back to the Lord.
For I will disappoint him and hurt him,
I will leave him in times, lonely and wanting comfort.
And it is in those moments where he can find those things,
Not in me,
But in Christ.
Although I wish I could be the one who solves all his problems and who he can run too,
I am so far from being a savior.
Because only the King of kings can meet him where he is at and speak life into his brokenness, and the same goes to me.
But I can still stand beside Levi as best as I can,
I can still press in to love him with all my heart and pray for him,
Listen to him and support him as best as I can,
I can still step out to love my friends even if I can’t meet them where they are at or understand,
I can still stop for someone to show that they aren’t alone and extend a helping hand.
But what I am trying to say is we cannot be someones all in all,
Or expect someone else to be that to us.
Now I’m not sure if this makes sense,
Or something you can relate too.
My point that I’m trying to make is where I’ve been mislead before,
Into longing for love,
And looking for another human to be that for me,
But always was left hurt, broken and running to other things seeking for some sort of fulfillment.
But have realized even through having a man who loves me beyond what I deserve,
Who humbles me, teaches me and stretches me to love deeper,
Isn’t always enough for me.
(I know we all though marriage would fix us eh?)
And through that,
Realized that love costs us a lot,
And is something we continually need to fight to learn,
To grow in,
So that we can love others even a little deeper.
A book that really helped Levi and I is “His needs her needs”.
It didn’t help me just in marriage but also in my friendships,
And my relationship with the Lord.
Realizing that we all have different important needs,
Ones we seek to be secure and feel safe.
And it all comes down to the One who we were created for,
Who we long to be rooted in.
For He can meet me in my darkest moments,
When I feel misunderstood,
And speak life back into my weariness.
For although we can love one another,
And be supported,
And feel loved,
All those things fade over time as people can only pour so much into us.
I am remind me how full of flaws and in need of a Savior I am.
So to wrap this blog which I know is all over the place,
I’m going to pray.
Praying that our Father would open your eyes to the greatness of His love for you,
That He would begin to stir a desire in your heart to know Him and be found in Him.
That He would begin to show you areas of your life that you are seeking love, affirmation,
And value apart from Him in, so that He may renew our minds and speak truth back into
Our hearts, reminding us or showing us His truths and promises. In Jesus name.
So all this to say,
I am thankful for love.
I am thankful for the Lord.
Thankful that He never leaves us nor forsakes us,
The He refines us and teaches us.
And through all that,
That we can continue to let go of the lies we believe and hold fast to His truths.
And that His love is far greater than the ‘love’ that our culture promotes.
The one night stands,
The ‘feel good’ kinda love that comes with the feelings but doesn’t stick because of non committers,
But a love that doesn’t fade when the flowers do,
But remains ever steadfast and growing because it is rooted in an everlasting love.
A love that fights,
A love that perseveres,
A love that remains faithful even when it’s tough,
And a love that continues to build one another us, speaking truth and seeking to grow continually.
You are loved sweet friend and may you be rooted in that love which steams from our Fathers heart.
Have a wonderful day.