It has been a week since I said goodbye to Kid.
Where when Friday came, I realized I had done almost nothing.
I sat and watched people carrying on with life around me, but I felt as though mine stopped.
I have never felt such loss, such pain, such heart break to where my body ached.
Where I was exhausted and sad.
And then Saturday came, and I had a job to do, one that I couldn’t sleep from,
And it brought life back into me,
Reminding me that my life still carries on,
As his would without me.
And in a week, I’ve learned a little bit about grief and life,
You have to move on.
I have to move on.
Not moving on and forgetting about him,
But moving on because life still continues and my life is worth living.
For although I may still be grieving,
I still have to pick myself up in the morning and carry on in the day.
I have to keep my heart soft,
I have to let others love me and I love them back,
I have to forgive others,
I have to forgive myself.
I have to realize that although I could have done things differently to prevent that accident,
Although others could have done things differently,
It didn’t happen that way.
And I have to accept that.
I have to accept that it happened this way and dwelling on it won’t bring him back.
I’m not saying it’s easy.
It still breaks my heart and I have realized that, that’s okay.
But my life still goes on,
And I can’t hide myself from it.
Because although I’m hurting and being alone would be better,
That’s not going to help.
And that’s the temptation, to isolate ourselves, to neglect others and to hide from the pain that seems unbearable.
But believe me when I say this, that’s not going to help heal you.
It is painful to be with others when all I want is Kid back.
I would rather his company than others.
But that isn’t going to happen anymore, and now I need others.
Not in a needy way, but in a way that, we can’t live life alone.
We can’t hug ourselves,
We can’t speak the words others can, especially in times like this when we can’t always hear our own.
We need others to pray with us and for us, when it’s hard for ourselves to do that.
We need the company of others, because being alone is only going to make us more lonely and hurt.
And I am thankful for the friends and family that spoke life over me last week,
The people who daily messaged me and encouraged me.
To those who gave me things to do and listened to me as I spoke like a broken tape.
To realize that through grief,
We can’t go through it alone,
But to understand that we feel like we are going through it alone.
Although others stand beside me and carry some of the weight for me,
I will still feel alone, but the truth is, I am not alone.
Grieving the loss of the one whom I loved and cared for,
Knowing that nothing and no one else can take away this pain for me.
Knowing that others won’t fully understand the loss that I feel.
To know that turning to things to numb that pain, will not help but rather suppress it for a time until it resurfaces.
But turning to the One whom all life is sustained by, will help.
And to know that I have to feel every bit of emotion that comes with this, and that’s okay. It’s part of it.
For it’s not easy to go through grieving loss,
And I miss him more now than I did a week ago.
However, I can talk about him without crying right away,
I can go for walks and rides, still wishing I could see his sweet face looking up at me, but not feeling so numb.
And I can wake up in the morning and turn the light on, and even though my heart still aches a bit as I go to look for him and realize I won’t see him – can still wake up and know that today, life goes on and it will be okay.
That I will still get a new puppy at some point,
And move forward.
Carrying Kid in my heart and reminded of the gift he was to me.
Trusting that the Lord sustains me and loves me.
That He can only hold my hand when I reach for His,
And can help ease my broken heart.
But I must turn to Him, even when I’m mad or angry, even when I’m broken and hurt – I must turn to Him.
I need to turn to Him because only He can bring me peace about this,
Only He can really be my comfort and help ease this.
So let those around you love you,
Let them care for you as you grieve and lean on them.
Let the Lords Word dwell in you richly and remain firm in faith,
Walking by faith even when it’s hard,
Even when you would rather lay in bed and hide from the world,
To turn to Him and ask Him to meet you where you are.
To go for a walk and breathe in the fresh air,
To let someone hold you.
I am not saying that I know how you feel or that everyone will deal with grief the same way,
I am saying that grief is hard,
That loss is indescribable and I wish, oh how I wish I could take that weight off of you,
But I am saying that however hard it is to accept,
However much we don’t want to admit it,
To the point where we grit out teeth and want to hit something,
And as much as it feels like something within is ripping,
Life goes on and we must move forward.
We as people are resilient, and since a sweet friend of mine told me that, I hold onto that hope and carry on.
Believing that we can go from trial to trail, hardship to hardship without losing hope.
Because our King goes with us, and before us and has prepared the way.
And in light of eternity, His grace is enough to sustain us and hold us.
To not hide your feelings but face them head on and surround yourself with people who will let you work through them.
I pray that the riches of His love would be shown to you today, wherever you are, whatever you are dealing with and that His grace would abound over you. That He would shine His face upon you and remind you of His promises that He remains faithful and His love goes deeper than we can understand.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”